There was a commotion in Rock N Roll Heaven. Outside the gates were a group of demonstrators carrying large signs and threatening to storm inside if their demands were not met. Chris Martin, lead vocalist of Coldplay, approached a worried Sir Paul McCartney, who was in charge of peace and security.
“What in bloody heaven is going on?” Chris frowned.
“It’s a mess, it’s what it is, my good lad,” said Sir Paul. “Remember that bloke Bon Jovi?”
Chris folded his arms across his chest. “The one they wouldn’t let in?”
“Five times already,” Sir Paul pointed out. “He’s gone nuts. Nuts in the head! Called all of the other rejects to demonstrate!”
A news crew had arrived, and a woman reporter was feeding the news live. Jon Bon Jovi is flanked by other rejects like Ozzy Osbourne, the rest of Black Sabbath, and members of Slayer (well, this is after all, Rock N Roll Heaven). “As of this morning,” the reporter said as she faced the camera, “hundreds of protesters gathered in front of Rock N Roll Heaven demanding that Jon Bon Jovi be granted right to gain entry into what many rock musicians consider music immortality. For within the gates house the legendary icons of musical history such as Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Jim Morrison, and Kanye West.”
“What the fuck?! Kanye West?” Jon Bon Jovi screamed, “What about me? I’m only the best, sexiest rock singer of all time! Of all time!”
Sir Paul shuddered, seeing Bon Jovi and all the others that had been rejected amassing outside, increasing in numbers by the hour. “You have to help me, Chris, my lad. You and Thom Yorke! Or else the top holy man will have my head! What do you say?”
Chris sighed. “I think just felt a rush of blood to the head.”
ROUND 1: THE TALENT
When I got my Editor’s note card stating I do this installment, I thought to myself that Thom Yorke would easily win over Chris Martin. Not only is experience the factor, but it had been a longstanding belief of mine that there’s just but one other person as talented and influential as Thom, and that’s Stephen Malkmus of Pavement.
“Hell no!” My Editor bellowed when I suggested that Malkmus replace Martin. “I heard Malkmus sing! It’s Thom and Chris and that’s final!”
Getting onto the nerves of my Editor is a personal mission of mine. But he’s right, there’s something that matches between Thom and Martin. You look at them and you see two talented individuals separated only by the kind of music they make. Yorke and Radiohead incorporated alternative rock with electronica in ways unimaginable. The best description I’ve encountered was ‘Punk Floyd.’ Martin and Coldplay’s music was called ‘meditative’ - love songs so cold they burn.
Both artists handle these chores with the same measure of proficiency. As lyricists and composers, they are geniuses. But there’s the matter of Yorke having the better voice - a beautiful tenor that could turn from soothing to grungy, and then reaches for that falsetto like a thunderclap. I doubt whether Martin could approach something like the 1:48 apex in ‘You,’ or reach the exuberance ‘Stop Whispering’ and ‘Creep’ (and this is just Pablo Honey we’re talking about).
ADVANTAGE: THOM YORKE
ROUND 2: THE PERFORMANCE
Back in Rock N Roll heaven, the metal bands, along with their anointed leader Jon Bon Jovi had doubled in number. Members of rejected groups such as Morbid Angel, Obituary, Autopsy, Carcass, Entombed, Carnage, Dismember, and Massacre defecated, offered animal sacrifices, and wrote ‘Jesus Saves Jon Bon Jovi’ in pig’s blood on the walls.
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Now, Sir Paul McCartney’s plan was this: knowing of Chris Martin and Thom Yorke’s repertoires of utterly depressing songs, he thought of a foolproof way of pacifying the increasingly violent protesters. He announced over the PA system that Thom Yorke and Chris Martin would be holding a free concert for their benefit.
“But why us?” asked Thom. “You should have gotten bloody, freakin’ Lionel Ritchie!”
“Or Westlife,” suggested Chris. “They have really nice love songs.”
Sir Paul put his arms around their shoulders and said, “Trust me, lads, I got this. The Beatles have been in this situation before. You just do what you do best - perform.”
Both Thom and Chris are great in live performances with their own inimitable style. Since the other members of Coldplay are static, ravishing mannequins, it’s Chris Martin who has to exert more effort in keeping Coldplay’s concerts more than alive. On the other hand, Thom is electrifying in his own way, but Radiohead functions as such a synchronized act that they are considered one of the best live bands. Individually, however, Chris Martin pours his heart out in every song (and yes, sweats more for it), and that’s something that gives a performer greatness.
ADVANTAGE: CHRIS MARTIN
ROUND 3: THE MUSIC
Thom Yorke sat on a stool with his guitar plugged and started singing ‘No Surprises.’ The metalheads had never heard of such song about hopelessness and resignation so profound and poetic that they started going suicidal. The members of Cannibal Corpse ate each other, the members of Immolation burned themselves, and the members of Disembowel, well, you figure that one out.
By the time Thom Yorke finished performing ‘Fake Plastic Trees,’ ‘Videotape,’ ‘Nice Dream,’ and the encore ‘Street Spirit (Fade Out),’ Sir Paul counted that half of the protesters have perished by their own hands in ways unimaginable even to Clive Barker.
After, they pulled in a piano for Chris Martin. Even on the very first keys of ‘Trouble,’ what’s left of the protesters started taking out their handkerchiefs. During the songs ‘Green Eyes’ and ‘Don’t Panic,’ everybody was crying. “I never knew it could be like this,” said Ozzy Osbourne. In the middle of ‘Yellow,’ they were holding hands and hugging. After the encore ‘Viva La Vida,’ everyone was in such high spirits that they left hand in hand like happy Smurfs, plucking flowers along the way.
Everyone, except Jon Bon Jovi, who couldn’t believe what was happening the whole time. “What the?!” he said to himself.
Coldplay’s first two studio albums, Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head contain some of their best songs, like ‘Yellow’ and ‘The Scientist,’ but these are just ‘great’ albums. Radiohead’s body of work, by comparison, is already a monumental achievement. One should just look at Time magazine’s list of the 100 All-Time Best Albums and see how influential Thom Yorke’s band was. Kid A and OK Computer is on that list, in the company of the Beach Boy’s Pet Sounds, Nirvana’s Nevermind, and the Beatles’ Revolver, just to name a few.
In Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list, ‘Paranoid Android’ is at no. 256, and ‘Fake Plastic Trees’ at no. 376. Good numbers considering ‘Beat It’ by Michael Jackson is at no. 337, and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ is at no. 398. Where’s Coldplay in any of these lists? Left out in the cold, apparently. In The Observer’s ‘50 Albums That Changed Music’ with The Bends coming at no. 38, the postscript said: “Without it (the album), Coldplay wouldn’t exist.”
ADVANTAGE: THOM YORKE
ROUND 4: THE BAND
Radiohead and Coldplay share some similarities in origin. Both are college bands with the members meeting one another within campus. The band names were somewhat suggested by an outsider. Coldplay was the name of a schoolmate’s band, which he let them borrow - forever. Radiohead was suggested by a guy in EMI, picked from a song by Talking Heads.
The minimal styles of Coldplay’s guitarist Jonny Buckland, bassist Guy Berryman, and drummer Will Champion, are enough for Chris Martin to get the band rolling since their songs require little improvisation. They’re love songs for chrissakes - powerful enough as it is. I don’t see them going into electronica. There’s little question why Yorke gets the edge over Martin as regards having the better bandmates. Radiohead just keeps on evolving.
Yorke also has a musical genius in Jonny Greenwood, who seems to know every instrument on the planet. Coupled by the 6’5” Ed O’Brien, supported in the back by near-invisible brother Colin Greenwood on bass, and drummer Phil Selway, Jonny and Co. give Yorke the best musical team on Earth.
ADVANTAGE: THOM YORKE
ROUND 5: THE MONEY
After the heartfelt performances of Thom and Chris, the sky was downcast. Thom, Chris, and Sir Paul were about to celebrate with a few pints when they heard somebody sobbing outside the gates. They were surprised to see Jon Bon Jovi slumped across the bars.
“Those were great songs, man,” Jon Bon Jovi said between sobs. “Here I am trying desperately to get in, and what did I ever do except sell millions of records? 220 million to be exact. I performed in sold-out concerts, but… I guess that’s not enough to get me inside Rock N Roll heaven…”
“220 million?” said Sir Paul. “That’s more than what these two made.”
Jon Bon Jovi shrugged, “Well…”
“Shite!” Thom grinned. “The guy’s trying to talk his way in!”
Bon Jovi stood up straight. “No, I’m not.”
“Bloody hell, you are!” accused Chris.
Caught, Jon Bon Jovi wiped his fake tears and said, “You guys, can’t we talk about this? How ‘bout I’ll make you partners in Bon Jovi Enterprises. What say you, pardners? Thom, you could replace Richie! And Chris, you could be my keyboardist. And Paul… God, you look really old up close… I mean, I have the resources! Money! I’m rich!”
Sir Paul looked at him squarely, “My good man, I’m richer than you. I’m fuckin’ Sir Paul McCartney!”
Thom, Chris, and Paul started walking away.
“I have perfect haaaaiiiir!” Jon Bon Jovi shouted.
All Radiohead studio albums reached the Billboard’s Top 200. Kid A and In Rainbows reached no.1. Likewise, all of Coldplay’s albums were in the top 200. X&Y and Viva La Vida reached the top spot. They are also top earners in downloads. Even with the ‘pay what you can’ scheme for In Rainbows, the band made money. Having more albums released and touring longer, Radiohead, statistically speaking, earned more than Coldplay. As he is one of the most influential musicians working today, Thom Yorke has the money, as well as power.
ADVANTAGE: THOM YORKE
THE RECAP:
“Chris Martin didn’t have much of a fighting chance, eh?” my Editor mused. “You could maybe put categories for looks and style? Or for having the hotter wife?”
“We are not People magazine or GQ,” I protested.
“Well, to hell with it!” he berated. “This article will do.”
The nerve. Looks and style don’t make a musician, it’s talent and personality, of which Thom Yorke has a-plenty. While Chris Martin is said to be a really nice private guy (a vegetarian to boot), Thom Yorke is the exact opposite. Known to be rude (Ronan Keating once remarked he would have loved to throw Thom over a mountain) and spaced-out (his interviewers complain of not being able to understand what he was saying), Thom with his half-closed, paralyzed eye and bulging Mickey Mouse ears is his own private freak show. But he’s not the least shy about his looks and the video for No Surprises says it all: Screw you. I can make a video of me and you can’t do anything about it.
Round 1 (The Talent): Advantage Yorke
Round 2 (The Performance): Advantage Martin
Round 3 (The Music): Advantage Yorke
Round 4 (The Band): Advantage Yorke
Round 5 (The Money): Advantage Yorke
THE WINNER (4-1): THOM YORKE
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